Darkest Before the Dawn
by Losseniaiel
Summary: Even the strong can be brought low. Celebrian comforts Elrond over Arwen's choice


                                                                                                **Darkest Before the Dawn**

Disclaimer:  None of the characters, settings etc belong to me.  They belong to J.R.R. Tolkien and his estate (and possibly New Line cinema).  I am a student and I own nothing, but especially not this world.  The title's not mine either.

Summary:  The wounds which cannot be seen are the hardest to heal.  Celebrian comforts Elrond over Arwen's choice.  Lots of Elrond-angst and a fair helping of sappy romance.  Elrond/Celebrian.

Rating:  PG:13 – I don't know if it really needs this, I'm just being ultra-careful.

Celebrian awoke in the dim hours of the morning, and lay, peering into the darkness, trying to perceive what had roused her from untroubled sleep.  No sound pierced the stillness of Tirion.  Here, there were no hoarse yells of terror or anger in the far distance, no muffled tread of guards returning from patrolling the borders of Imladris.  Yet, Celebrian had lived in Aman for centuries already, and her senses screamed at her that something, somewhere here in her own house, was desperately, terribly wrong.  The silver-haired elf blinked at the ceiling, incapable of imagining what such a thing could be.

Finally, the faintest movement of the sheets tucked around her warm body was all that alerted her.  She glanced over at the form of her husband beside her, only to realise that his shoulders were shaking slightly from some suppressed emotion.  Raising her head a fraction, Celebrian could see the moonlight shimmering gently on the tears coursing down his face.  Icy fingers clutched at her heart to see her Elrond brought so low.

"Meleth nin, "she whispered.  Elrond shot upright and scrambled out of the bed as if an orc host was on his tail.

"I apologise … I didn't know you were awake," he stammered.

"Come back," Celebrian said, patting the bed next to her.  As he sat down gingerly on the rumpled sheets, she continued.  "Tell me what troubles you."

Elrond averted his eyes.

"Nothing.  I was simply thinking."

Fire flashed in Celebrian's eyes as she looked upon her husband.

"My love, if you think to lie to me, you would be well advised to remember that I have my own methods of extracting information from you, and that I do not like to be kept out of your counsels."  She was perhaps harsher than she might have been, but her worry for him was so great.

One of Elrond's hands crept to his temple, as he sank back down onto the pillows.  Celebrian covered it with one of hers, feeling the almost feverish warmth in that pale skin.

"Oh my darling, "she murmured against his neck.  As if the words had broken him, Elrond turned and buried his face in the smooth, silvery hair on top of her head, and a wrenching sob escaped him.

"I never meant it to be like this."

"Like what, meleth nin?" she asked, aware of what it would be, but unwilling to speak of it first.

"Bitterness … and regret … and hideous loss.  I have never regretted anything so much.  It tears me in two, and I cannot stop it.  Perhaps I should not stop it.  It is my due."

Celebrian lay silently, willing him to continue, knowing that even for such a silent man, only words would bring catharsis.

"I was cruel … I was vicious.  Oh, my dearest heart, I told her that only death awaited her if she stayed with Estel.  And I knew it was not so!"  His face crumpled as he desperately tried to fight the flood of memories.  "I knew that she loved him, but why did she have to choose a mortal fate?  Why did she have to die?  Why did she have to choose the path of Luthien, and go where none could follow?"

Celebrian answered slowly, afraid as she had never been before in the Undying Lands, afraid of the wounds her husband was inflicting on himself.  "She loved him.  That was reason enough.  He is all she can see."

"Yes," Elrond started, now speaking agitatedly.  "He is all she can see.  He is all she has.  And when he is gone, she will have nothing, and not even death will salve the pain, because no-one knows where the Followers go.  The race of men is lost in darkness, and its path is fraught with shadows.  She should have stayed with her people.  She should have stayed with us."

"But what is eternal life without eternal love, my darling?  What fate could have awaited her which would have eased her loss?"

"She could have seen you again.  She could have lived in this paradise.  She could have met another, and married him instead."

"Aye," responded Celebrian.  "But, in every face, she would have seen the King of Gondor.  At no time could she have forgotten him, or the love she might have shared."

"And the empty death which dogs her footsteps?"  Elrond spat out angrily.

For a time, he fell silent, lost in old thoughts, old emotions, and old wounds.  Then, suddenly, he clutched Celebrian's shoulders and pulled her to him as if he might never let go, and his wife was more fearful for him than even she had been in recent minutes.  Speaking so softly that even with her head tucked firmly under his chin, she had to strain to hear the words, he muttered, anguish in every syllable, "What have I done wrong, that I lose all?  You, my dearest, most lovely Celebrian; my children; my brother; my parents; my king; everything falls to dust when I near it; nothing is safe with me."

Almost suffocated in his lonely embrace, Celebrian planted the most tender of kisses in the hollow of his throat.

"Me?  You have not lost me.  See, I am right here, where I intend to stay as long as you wish it."  Gazing up into his face, she saw an expression of almost painful sweetness flicker across it, but soon it was gone, and, loosening his grip only slightly, he sombrely replied, "But I lost you for so long.  I could not protect you, as I have failed to protect the others.  And I feared that you would not wish to see me, a reminder of the place where you suffered so much harm."

Now, it was Celebrian's turn to crumple.  With a tiny sob, she curled into Elrond, pulling his head down to her breast and breathing in the scent of his dark, silky hair.  Yet, she knew she had to be strong, for only her strength could pull her Peredhel from the depths of despair.

"Even here, even in Valinor, I wished to see you every day, and numbered the hours until I might see you again, meleth nin," she replied softly, trying to keep the break out of here voice.  "I never wanted anything more than to be with you."

Elrond let out a small sigh of tickling air, yet when he replied, his voice was still hoarse with emotion.

"But why?  What did I do wrong?  Why must all leave me? Why could I not be a better father?"

Celebrian's face contorted with emotion at this outburst, yet still she kept her reply steady.  "Nonsense, my dearest, most foolish Peredhel."  One of Elrond's eyebrows quirked at this, but he waited for her to continue.  Drawing in a deep breath, she did so.  "You have raised four fine children, strong, and beautiful, and unafraid of the world which lies before them.  And who could expect less of such a man?"

Elrond seemed not to have heard her loving reassurances.

"Perchance, I inherited my skills as a father from my own parents.  I honour Earendil and Elwing, yet I cannot but think that I might not have lost my own children, if they had not been so willing to relinquish theirs."

Lacking any other idea what to do, Celebrian gripped Elrond's shoulders, shaking him slightly to get his attention.

"You have not lost your children.  They remain yours forever, even when the doom of Men comes between you and Aragorn and Arwen.  And may I remind you that you have told me that Elladan and Elrohir have shown their intention to sail west in good time."

Elrond's words were slow and deliberate, misery prolonging every syllable.  "But what if they do not?  What if the beauty of Middle-earth captivates them, and they have no desire to set foot on Valinor?  What if one comes, but the other chooses his sister's path, as did Elros, so long ago," his voice sank, and he continued, almost as if to himself.  "'Twas enough to foster Estel, mourning his death, even before I grew to love him, but to live to see the deaths of those whom I never expected to die is … unbearable.  Why does it happen thus?"

"First, you must not count our sons among the Edain yet," replied Celebrian.  "Secondly, did you ever think that, once one chooses it, this doom of Men is not such a terrible thing?"

"What?  Shall we now count ourselves unlucky that we do not pass beyond the circles of Arda to an unknown destiny?  That we do not die without hope of return?  That we shall see our families again?"

"Oh Elrond, I know no better than you, nor any, what the fate of Men is, only that Illuvatar in his wisdom has given us eternal life, and that he would not give the Followers mere oblivion in exchange."

"Yet still I am afraid, because we shall not see our Undomiel again, and if we were to return to the Hither Lands, we should see her old, as once I saw my brother.  Even to think of it brings me great sorrow."

"You were most hurt by Elros' choice, were you not?"  Celebrian murmured, tracing a soothing pattern on Elrond's shoulder with one forefinger.

"Aye, I was.  But I love our daughter more even than I loved my twin, and I would not see her harmed in any way," he paused, absently stroking the fine skin along Celebrian's arm.  "I wish I could have saved her."

"From what?  From love itself which can make the very heavens weep with joy?  From a life beside her love?  From children?"  Celebrian asked.  Then, with swift suddenness, inspiration struck her.  Sitting straight upright against the ornately carved headboard, she declared, "I would have stayed, you know."

Puzzlement showed on the elven lord's face.

"I would have stayed in Middle-earth, no matter how much it hurt me, no matter how much my wounds tormented me, regardless of the fear in my heart.  I would have stayed by your side if you had asked.  I could not have gone if a choice was demanded, between you, and healing."

"But the pain was so great … You could not have stayed."  An old shadow darkened his features as he recalled those desperate weeks.

"Have you not been talking for the last hour of the pain of the fate of Men?  I would have chosen any pain, any anguish, to stay by my love, if the choice lay between that and never setting eyes on him again.  And so would my daughter, with _her_ love."

A slow light dawned across Elrond's face.

"Would you really?" he asked softly, his voice tentative.

"Yes, with all my heart.  Do you doubt my veracity?" she asked, a teasing note in her voice for the first time in the conversation.  "Love binds me to you, as it binds Arwen to Estel.  To choose a fate apart would be death indeed, to which even the death of Men cannot be compared." 

With a great sob, Elrond buried his face in the soft hair which spilled over her shoulders.  Holding him gently, Celebrian slid down until they were both curled up in the tangled sheets and strewn pillows.  Elrond remained absolutely still, and, for a minute, Celebrian worried that her declaration had failed.  Then he lifted his head, and although tear-tracks still glimmered on his cheeks, his voice was bright as the spring, and his eyes shone with amazement.  "Love really does bind us to others, does it not?"

"Yes, and that is its triumph as much as its despair, "she replied, her own smile mirroring his.

Elrond lifted one trembling hand to push delicate strands of hair away from Celebrian's face.

"Then I shall be glad, if Estel loves Arwen as much as a fraction of the extent to which I love you.  For I could not live without you, and I swear that I shall follow you wherever you go."  He looked down tenderly into Celebrian's face.  A few tears trickled from her eyes, but she wiped them away, and smiled once more.

"My darling, have I shown you how much I missed you?"

"No, meleth nin, I do not believe you have.  Would my lady care to demonstrate?"

"Indeed I would, although I fear that I shall not be very lady-like," Celebrian whispered, sinking joyfully into Elrond's welcoming embrace.  As his strong arms wrapped around her, both smiled at the intensity of emotion such as long-lived union could contain, discarding regrets for the past and fears for the future.

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Flames will be used to burn my textbooks, so I have a good excuse not to work.  Positive reviews are as welcome as hot chocolate on a cold day. J


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